Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
Friends to Lovers
Dear Wayne and Tamara:
I am best friends with a woman, we have the world in common, and I love her. A few months ago we went on vacation to another country, and we had sex. After the vacation, I talked to her about a relationship,
but she said she only wanted me as a friend.
Last month she became involved with a guy who is not on her level. He is loud and obnoxious, but she is totally in love and would give him the world. My problem is that she talks to me about the things they do intimately.
I mean she goes into detail with everything.
This kills me, but like a fool, I put up with it because I’ve grown attached to her. She used to visit every day, but since she became involved with him, I only see her once a week. We talk every day. If I told her I love her,
it would ruin our friendship. How do I cope with this?
Steve
Dear Steve, it’s not unusual for a man to fall in love with a woman he is friends with, but if he wants to know if they have a future, he needs to ask one thing. Does she treat me like a man, or like a girlfriend? You may not like the comparison, but it’s a reliable test.
This woman tells you the too-intimate details of her relationship with another man, uses you as a friend and sounding board, and curtails contact with you when she is involved with a new love interest. That is exactly how a woman treats a girlfriend.
She said she wants you as a friend. She wasn’t kidding. What you shared when you were on vacation was opportunistic and an accident. She was between men.
An old song about a card player says you need to “know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em.” Folding a losing hand gives you a chance to hold a winning one.
Tamara
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell are authors and columnists. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801
or e-mail:
DirectAnswers@wayneandtamara.com.
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