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Dear Melissa:
Believe me, I can understand that you’re in a tough spot. In my own practice, I work with teenage girls and their families, and the girls confide
things to me they would never in a million years want their mothers to know.
What I do is to be up front with both the parents and the kids about what information I absolutely must divulge. For instance, anything that could
lead to danger or harm is something a parent should know. This includes involvement with drugs or alcohol, any kind of abuse, or the child putting
herself at risk in some way (thoughts of suicide or having unprotected sex, for example).
Then there are the gray areas, which by nature are more difficult to analyze. What if Ashley tells you she sneaked out of the house to meet her
boyfriend at midnight after being grounded? This is a judgment call. If the boyfriend is a married man 10 years older with 2 kids, then you have
to say something. If it’s someone her own age and it appears to be a puppy love situation, then that’s something different all together.
It is also important to stay away from value judgments, such as advising Ashley to do something you know her mother would disapprove of. For instance,
some religions disapprove of dancing; if you know something like this is the case in Ashley’s family, you wouldn’t want to encourage her to kick up her
heels at the school dance. Family culture is so important, and you need to respect that, even if you don’t necessarily agree.
If I were you I would reassure both Ashley and her mom that you care about both of them and don’t want to be caught in the middle. You can tell Ashley
that you want to be someone that she can come to when she needs someone, but that if you feel something she’s doing will bring her harm, you will have
to tell her mom about it. Or better yet, you can help HER to tell her mom about it.
Another way you can be a big help to Ashley is to listen with an open mind as well as to help her to evaluate her choices. If she comes to you about
wanting to defy her mother, instead of jumping in with a solution, ask questions instead. You can say something like, “How do you think your mom would
feel about that?” or “What do you think will happen if you make that choice? Have you thought all your options through?” And to be kind to your friend,
remind Ashley that it is normal for moms to worry and occasionally argue with their kids.
And you know what? Sometimes kids want to approach their parents with difficult topics but they have no idea how to go about it or they’re afraid of an
angry reaction. Some of the things Ashley is telling you may be things she longs to discuss with her mom. You can help to facilitate that process by
encouraging them to talk more or even providing moral support to Ashley if she is reluctant to initiate a discussion.
As for your friend, she should be glad her daughter has a responsible adult to turn to for advice. I have yet to meet a girl who tells her mother
everything – I wasn’t exactly a rebellious teen but I can think of a few things my mother doesn’t know to this day. And I have no intention of telling
her, either!
Just the fact that you had the question tells me that you have the best of intentions. I think both Ashley and her mom are very fortunate to have you as
a friend.
Lacey
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