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Dear Trudy:
Often death comes so unexpectedly that even with the best of intentions we can be at a loss as to how to handle it. There are our own feelings of discomfort with the situation coupled with the fact that everyone grieves in his or her own way.
Some people push it down for months at a time, while others cry endlessly. Because there is no standard process of mourning, there is no way to know each time how to help a friend who is going through the process.
It sounds like Sam needs help on two levels – practical and emotional. For instance, he may need help running his errands or keeping up with work while his ankle is healing, but he also needs moral support, something you've already clued into.
After what Sam has experienced, his emotions may range from disbelief, to sorrow, and at times he may even need to laugh to relieve the stress.
Many times when people do not know how to comfort someone who is grieving, they end up avoiding any mention of the decedent, forgetting that the grieving person may need to talk about him/her. While you shouldn't push Sam to talk about his
great-grandmother, let him know you are interested to hear about her, and then sit back and truly listen. If you knew her, share a favorite memory. Ask Sam to show you pictures of the two of them together. Don't be surprised if he cries, and
instead of saying something automatic like, “It’s okay,” say, “I'm so glad you shared that with me. It sounds like she was a wonderful woman.”
Take your cue from Sam’s moods – if he’s especially quiet one day, keep him company and don't let the silence make you feel uncomfortable. Don't rush him to work through the feelings he is experiencing.
You didn't mention whether the two of you are actors or work behind the scenes, but why don't you check out a stack of plays from your local library and bring them over to his place to do a read through or think through set design? Make it
fun – use funny accents or imagine an urban setting to an old-fashioned play. Or grab some movies you both love and put on an all-night film festival complete with popcorn and pretend Academy Award ballots. If you're feeling artistic, get
some acrylic paint and spend the evening decorating his cast with cartoon characters.
When my friend Ava’s brother died in a tragic and unexpected way earlier this year, she admitted afterwards that she was surprised by the unhelpful things people did and said immediately afterwards. “He’s in a better place,” “He wouldn't want you
to cry,” “It’s all for the best.” As Ava said, “How the heck did they know that any of that was true, and even if it were, I was so angry he wasn't there with me at that very moment that I could have cared less about any of those things!”
I was surprised how many of our friends used it as an opportunity to try to top each other and compete as to who could do more for her. Ava saw right through that. She also saw the subtle things too, like people who sat quietly for hours with her
inconsolable aunt and handed the woman tissues or carefully washed the dishes after the wake without looking for a thank-you.
When it comes down to it, who, if anyone, is comfortable with the subject of death? As a rule of thumb, it’s better to say nothing at all than to say the wrong thing. You'd be surprised how comforting a squeeze of the shoulders or a sympathetic look
or smile can be; those gestures mean so much more than empty words.
Trudy, you have good intentions and even though there is no one tried and true protocol for handling death, the fact that you care about Sam will bring him more comfort than you may ever know. Most of all, just be there for him, respect the times that
he wants to be alone, laugh with him, cry with him, and hold his hand through this difficult time. He’s lucky to have you as his friend.
Lacey
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